2023: the best-worst year

A quote that’s been living rent-free in my brain?

nothing changes if nothing changes

I realized that a lot of shit didn’t work anymore. That the thought of not changing was more terrifying than the thought of changing.

so i changed everything

I asked that anything that wasn’t serving me or wasn’t in alignment with my highest self be removed from my life.

2023 tried to break me but I’m a hard diamond to break, though many years have tried before.

Instead, it was the year I fell in love with myself again. The year I said “fuck that shit” to the idea of living for others. I stayed unsubscribed to the ridiculous concept that anyone’s opinion of me was any of my business. 

I walked away from toxic relationships. 

I landed a dream client.

I traveled a lot.

I strengthened the bond between my son and I.
I ate and took care of my body out of love for myself. 

I was brave enough to choose me when the messages I received screamed that I was unworthy. I blocked the noises out of my head. 

I stopped talking to shit to myself. (Granted unhealed-me definitely often wants to fight healing-me sometimes.)

I cried a lot. I found ways to laugh more.

I was vulnerable when it felt as though I should feel ashamed. I leaned into the truth and away from the fictitious narrative running rampant in my head.

I remembered who TF I am after realizing how much I’d dimmed my life for external validation. To make others feel more comfortable in their mediocrity, I made it common for me not to operate out of excellence.

As a recovering people-pleasing overthinking perfectionist (that was a mouthful), I did something I thought was impossible. I made a decision without fear of whether or not it was the “right” decision. (read: “perfect” choice.) Instead of being paralyzed with fear, I decided I was lit up with excitement.

In 2023 I was curious. Curious to know what could happen. The answer? Well apparently fucking anything and everything. In a weird way, I’m comforted by that.

What’s my plan for 2024? I don’t have one yet. *clutches gold chain*

I’ve decided to take the optional itinerary philosophy and apply it to my life. Do I have a general direction? Yes, moving with intention is important to me. I am ready, willing, and able to pivot when necessary, thanks to the project manager in me. But I’m also releasing myself from the fallacy that I have control over anything other than myself. The idea that everything is happening as it should, when it should. 

I heard a phrase the other day about tending to your own garden and how my own care and nurture will encourage butterflies to land on me. Idk, maybe you just had to be there. What I took away from it though was that I don’t know when a butterfly will land on me but I can love on myself and be ready for when the timing is right.

I feel more capable of handling anything life throws at me, though I’d like to go on record and say that a break to put down my mitty would be fun. I’m more in awe of myself and all the weird random things that make me 1 of 1. I’ve leaned into the airy parts of me that are a little mystical, whimsical, and spiritual.

I’m creating more without hesitation and obsession about the outcome. I write like no one’s reading and act like I’m the main character that I am. (There’s a version of me that would’ve deleted that because it makes it seem like I think I’m “all that.” But because it’s just you and I, I’ll let you in on a secret; I am all that. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.)

my confidence is at an all time high. i love that for me 

I evaluated everything and everyone’s role in my life. Where in my life had I become a caricature of myself, doing things on autopilot? Did I hold the same stances as I did before? I truly got to know myself intimately. Not the curated version of me but the goofy, a little awkward version that is a slightly neurotic and unhinged but in the best way. I decided I was okay being the villain in someone’s story if it meant being the hero in mine. 

I spent more time alone than I have in years. And the weirdest thing happened. I remembered that I fuck with me heavy. I continued to record videos where I literally talked to myself. Looking people in the eyes while talking even made a comeback, it was easy after I was able to see me. I’ve wasted enough time worrying about being seen and was reminded that I don’t have to hide.

I’ve started to befriend the childhood version of myself that just wanted to feel seen. 

As I hoped, it was reflected back to me in my business. I invested in myself and prioritized my goals like I would prioritize a friend. I asked for and accepted help, which can be hard for me. But as I learned in 2022, I can do hard things. 

The dust ashes are still settling after I did my life like Angela Bassett did that car in Waiting to Exhale, but for now I’ll say this: 

don’t be sad out of fear when you can be happy on purpose.

Life is way too short for that shit.